


It Felt Like The Beginning, Not The End

by Punkrocksong



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Death, Coping, M/M, Moving On, Non-Canonical Character Death, Pain, background pynch, sex as coping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-01
Updated: 2017-11-01
Packaged: 2019-01-27 19:49:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12589280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Punkrocksong/pseuds/Punkrocksong
Summary: Non-Canon after Chapter 62 of TRKThings did not go as planned on the stretch of highway after finding Glendower.  Adam is left alone and broken.  Declan loses everyone he loves as well.  With just each other to lean on, Adam somehow finds a way to get through his senior year, and finds a way to move on with his life.





	It Felt Like The Beginning, Not The End

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING:
> 
> This has major character deaths, be prepared.
> 
>  

It could not have gone worse.

Adam was attending his second funeral in two days. Gansey had been buried the day before. Now, he stood next to Declan in front of Ronan’s closed casket. The turnout was small. Both Lynch parents dead. Matthew in a coma in D.C. Niall had been an only child, and Aurora a dream. There were no more Lynch’s left, save Declan. 

Adam watched the dust particles float across the light coming in from the stain glass windows. The smell of incense was familiar as he often smelled it while working on homework in his small room above the church. Adam could hear the priest speaking, but took no interest in the words being said. They meant nothing to Adam. He had promised Ronan he would come to mass with him one day, he just didn’t think it would have been under these circumstances.

Ronan didn’t have a lot of friends. Henry and the Vancouver crowd lingered several rows back, most likely out of deference to Gansey, not out of any affinity for Ronan. Calla hung out towards the back. Blue was catatonic at Mountainview General, having not spoken or reacted to anything for the past five days. Blue was Maura’s only daughter, and Maura refused to leave her side. There were a couple of teachers from Aglionby, Ronan’s old tennis coach, and surprisingly Swan and Skov. Adam wasn’t sure if they were there to pay respects, or to gloat. 

Adam wasn’t entirely sure why he was here. He didn’t really see the point of it. He was a little relieved Gansey’s funeral had been first, that was the one he thought he could get through. Ronan’s funeral was the one that was clawing his heart out. This was the one he wasn’t sure he was going to survive. He thought maybe he understood Ronan a little more now, the heedless, seething anger. The desire to recklessly destroy.

Adam hadn’t cried yet. He assumed something must be wrong with him.

He wished Ronan had never kissed him. He wished Ronan had kissed him sooner. He wished their first night together hadn’t also been their last. He wished he was the one in the casket instead of Ronan. He wished so many things in that overly bright church on a sunny Wednesday afternoon.

Adam looked over to see practical, stoic, Declan openly weeping, hands gripping the rail in front of him, knuckles going white. Adam reached forward and gently took one of Declan’s hands into his own. 

*******

_They had been too late, or too slow. Someone, somewhere, hesitated just a fraction of a moment too long. It was already too late as time slowed, as time stopped. It made everything that much more horrible. Adam knew that was what happened as Noah pleaded with them to hurry in his barely corporeal form. It was raining blood. Ronan was screaming, his phone kept incessantly ringing. Blue was crying as she held onto Gansey, Gansey who was urging her on. Adam was bound, helpless._

_Blue kissed Gansey._

_It was too late. Gansey fell. Noah unceremoniously disappeared. Ronan’s body was a ruined mess in the front seat of the BMW. Adam was horrified seeing the wrecked and ruined corpse that was still leaking the black, viscous fluid. Henry had to pull Adam away, to keep Adam from trying to embrace the remains. It was too late. Adam had thought maybe Cabeswater could save Gansey. That had been the plan, but Adam could feel Cabeswater fading away just as he felt Ronan’s pulse slowing, stopping. Adam felt a sudden shock of cold and emptiness._

_He was no longer the magician._

_He was no longer Ronan’s, or rather Ronan was no longer his._

_He was too shocked to really process any of it. After throwing up in the ditch, he told Henry they needed to get a hold of Mr. Gray. He would know what to do. They couldn’t just…leave things._

_Blue was openly sobbing, screaming really, as she held onto Gansey’s lifeless corpse. Whatever happened, must have worked to kill the demon, because the ominous clouds parted, and there was no longer anything whispering in Adam’s deaf ear._

_Adam sat on the side of the road, dumbly, with Henry, trying to figure out what was the point of any of it while Mr. Gray moved bodies and set vehicles on fire._

*******

The wake was at Monmouth. Adam wasn’t sure what else to do. No one stayed long. Half of the people who knew Ronan were dead, or not speaking. Adam didn’t want to make small talk. He didn’t want to think about the warmth of Ronan’s lips or the way he would catch Ronan looking at him through hooded eyes. He didn’t want to think about Gansey’s dimples, or how he would run his thumb across his lower lip in thoughtful ponderance. He didn’t want to think about Noah’s endearing, but juvenile sense of humor, or about how Noah wasn’t even Noah at the end. He didn’t want to think about Blue’s smile, or how she screamed Gansey’s name for what felt like hours until she just stopped. 

Adam had been awake for three days. 

He didn’t want to deal with the nightmares that had come so swiftly. The smell of bodies burning. The horrors of Aurora, and then Ronan being unmade. The blunt way Mr. Gray had shoved a sleeping Opal into the backseat of his Evo. Adam was too afraid to ask what happened to her, so he had nightmares about it instead. As long as he stayed awake, he wouldn’t wake up screaming. Was that how Ronan had felt on so many nights? 

Adam threw away uneaten food, not caring how wasteful it was. Declan was picking up paper plates from the living area, looking like he had about as much sleep as Adam. Declan probably hadn’t slept. Adam knew Declan was going to have to make another tough decision when he got back to Washington. Matthew was in a coma, and essentially brain dead. Whatever happened to Ronan was enough to strip Matthew of most of his brain function. 

“Are you staying the night?” Adam asked, unsure of what else to say. He and Declan had never been friends. 

“Is that OK? I honestly don’t know if I can drive back. I’m not entirely sure how I’m standing right now.” Declan said tiredly, rubbing his eyes. 

“Yeah, I mean, I don’t even know if I’m staying here.” Adam replied. 

Apparently, Gansey knew he was going to die, as he had everything well prepared, especially for a seventeen-year-old kid. He left Monmouth, the Pig, and a not unsubstantial amount of money to Adam. It was enough to pay for college, but not so much Adam felt insulted. Ronan apparently just worked on the assumption he could drop dead at any moment. He left the Barns to Declan, which Adam was relieved to hear, but Ronan left Adam all his worldly possessions, and his trust. Adam knew he would need to talk to the Gansey’s family and Declan about it, but he didn’t want to deal with it right now. 

“Fuck Parrish, it’s like thirty degrees outside and I know that hovel you live in doesn’t have central heating.” Declan said without any of the heat that Ronan would have had. Adam swallowed. 

“I just don’t know if I can….” Adam trailed off, looking at Ronan’s room and then at Gansey’s unmade bed. 

“Shit…do you want to get a hotel room, I mean I can pay for it.” Declan said awkwardly. 

“Fuck, didn’t you hear? I’m a god dammed millionaire now.” Adam replied with a bitter laugh. 

The two young men finished cleaning the loft in silence. Adam pulled out a pair of Gansey’s track pants and an old t-shirt to put on, after carefully hanging his suit up. The clothes had been recently laundered and blessedly just smelled like laundry soap. Declan had found an unopened bottle of whiskey in Ronan’s room, along with an old pair of sweat pants. 

“You wanna get shit faced?” Declan asked. 

“God, yes.” Adam replied. 

*******

_Adam never held the same level of animosity for Declan that Ronan, or even Gansey, held. Yeah, Declan was a liar. And yes, he was a little bit of a womanizer. But to be fair, most of the girls Declan dated were just as interested in getting into Declan’s wallet as they were in getting into Declan’s pants. As much as Adam hated to admit it, he admired Declan in a way. Declan was always so confident in everything he did. People wanted to be around him as people wanted to be around Gansey. The difference was Gansey asked for people’s approval, Declan commanded it. Declan was calculating and shrewd in a way Adam could appreciate._

_Adam had suggested to Ronan on numerous occasions that maybe he should try to talk to his older brother instead of throwing his fists. Ronan would just scoff._

_‘You don’t know him like I do Parrish.’ Ronan would huff from his place on the floor next to Adam’s mattress at St. Agnes._

_‘Well, not like you do. But it seems like he is trying. I think he really does love you and Matthew.’ Adam argued._

_‘Love. Pfft.’ Was Ronan’s only reply._

*******

“You and my brother were…together…right?” Declan asked after their third glass of whiskey.

Adam winced. He had hoped to get through this without Declan ever finding out. Adam was too drunk and numb to lie though.

“I don’t know what we were, it was new. I never got to tell him…” Adam sucked in a deep breath. “I never got to tell him I felt the same way he did.” 

“Why didn’t he tell me?” Declan asked, eyes a little glassy from the booze.

“He didn’t tell anyone. I don’t think he was embarrassed or anything, he was just very private.” Adam explained quietly.

“I didn’t give a shit. I fucking loved him. He was my brother. I sometimes think it would have been better if we were still fucking beating the shit out of each other when he died. We had just…we had just…” Declan trailed off, setting his glass on the coffee table.

Adam set his glass down and scooted closer to Declan, placing a tentative hand on his shoulder. Declan was breathing deeply, trying not to completely loose his composure. Declan reached his hand up and patted Adam’s hand in a very un-Declan like move.

“I know. It felt like the beginning…of something…not the end.” Adam commiserated, taking Declan’s glass and chugging the remainder of the contents.

“I don’t have anyone.” Declan whispered, tears slowly rolling down his face.

“I’m alone too.” Adam said, knowing it had to have been so much worse for Declan. Adam had never had much to begin with.

Declan looked up, facing Adam. He moved his broad hand to Adam’s face, wiping the first tear from Adam’s cheek. And then he was kissing Adam. And Adam, shockingly enough, was kissing Declan back.

“I’m not…” Declan began, briefly breaking from Adam.

“I know.” Adam said, kissing Declan again, and somehow ended up straddling Declan on the couch in the middle of Monmouth.

Kissing Declan wasn’t unpleasant, but Adam didn’t trick himself into thinking it was Ronan. The resemblance between the brother’s was uncanny, but where Ronan was lean and tightly muscled, Declan was broader and harder. Declan was not as gentle with Adam as Ronan had been.

Adam knew as he was coaxing Declan’s shirt off that this was fucked up and wrong somehow, but this was the first time he had felt really anything in the past five days other than bottomless grief. He leaned back, removing his own shirt, surprised when Declan ran his hands along Adam’s bare torso. Declan dug into Adam’s already scarred flesh. Adam encouraged the roughness by biting Declan’s shoulder, hard, breaking the skin, drawing a small amount of blood.

It was wet, greedy, and messy. Adam lost himself on Declan’s open mouth, savoring the feel of Declan’s impeccable teeth with his tongue while he wrapped his hands lightly around Adam’s throat. Adam could feel Declan’s erection pressing against him as they devoured one another. Adam moved to palm Declan through the sweatpants he was wearing, but Declan just moved Adam’s hand to his chest. Adam moaned in frustration, pressing his own need against Declan. This elicited a clear groan from Declan in return. Adam just thrust and bucked his hips against Declan while they continued to kiss with their eyes closed.

Declan came first, biting Adam’s lip in the process. This drove Adam over the edge, and he was not far behind. Adam broke away, and pressed his forehead against Declan’s. Declan looked just as wrecked as Adam felt. After Adam felt he could use his legs again, he climbed off Declan and went to the bathroom to clean up. When he came out, Declan had disappeared into Ronan’s room.

Adam slept on the couch that night.

When he woke up the next morning, after sleeping the dreamless sleep of the exhausted for twelve hours, Declan was long gone. Not leaving a note.

*******

_‘You know, you are lucky to have brothers.’ Adam scolded Ronan as he expertly cleaned a cut on Ronan’s right eyebrow._

_‘He fucking started it.’ Ronan growled as he sat shirtless on the closed toilet in Monmouth’s bathroom._

_‘You just want to look like a tough guy for the first day of school?’ Adam joked as he applied a small band aid to the cut._

_School was starting next week, and Ronan and Declan had just gotten into a fight in the parking of Monmouth over Ronan’s grades from last year. Ronan had told Declan to ‘fuck off’ and Declan had told Ronan to ‘grow up.’ That started the five-hundredth fight the two brothers had shared since their father had died. Gansey and Adam had just stood in the door way of Monmouth, monitoring, prepared to break it up as soon as serious blood was drawn. That happened with Ronan threw a right hook across Declan’s jaw and there was an arterial spray of blood splattered across the broken and worn pavement._

_Adam was now cleaning up Ronan’s wounds, almost too happy to play nursemaid, as it gave Adam an excuse to casually touch Ronan. Although, trying not to stare at Ronan’s bare chest was proving to be difficult. Ronan wasn’t being as subtle about the lingering glances as he used to be, and he was pretty openly staring at Adam, as Adam cleaned a cut on Ronan’s knuckles. Adam was kind of openly staring back, resisting the urge to bring Ronan’s hand to his mouth, to kiss Ronan’s hurts._

_‘I dunno, do I look tough?’ Ronan asked, voice low in a way that made Adam a little swoony._

_‘You look like an idiot with no impulse control.’ Adam laughed, not unkindly._

_‘You have no idea how good my impulse control has been.’ Ronan added suggestively._

_Adam blushed furiously, and noticed Ronan looked flustered. Before Adam could say anything else, Gansey knocked on the door frame, and asked if Ronan was ready to shake hands with Declan and make up._

 

*******

“Declan?” Adam asked, as he answered the phone from an unknown number, two weeks after Ronan’s funeral.

Adam had taken the rest of the school week off after the funerals, but decided to go back because he couldn’t stand thinking about Ronan, or about Gansey, or about Noah, or about Blue. He had spoken to Gansey’s parents, and they were more than fine with Gansey’s will. They said they knew what kind of boy Adam was, and they would be so pleased if Adam would honor Gansey’s wishes. Adam moved out of St. Agnes, and into Monmouth, opting to sleep on the couch.

“Hi Adam.” Declan said, his neutral voice sounded forced. “I just wanted to let you know that I’ve had six specialists look at Matthew, and they all say the same thing. I’m going to have them turn off the machines tomorrow. I was wondering if you wanted to come, to say goodbye.” 

Adam swallowed. He felt intense shame and embarrassment over what had happened between them after Ronan’s funeral. He was even more ashamed when he remembered Declan had a steady girlfriend waiting for him in D.C. Although, Adam wasn’t sure what an acceptable excuse was for Ashley to have missed Ronan’s funeral.

“I can do that. Do you, do you mind if I take the BMW? I mean, we haven’t really had a chance to…ummm…talk…about the will.” Adam finished quietly.

“Yes Adam, that is your car now. I will send you a link with directions to get to the hospital. Then I would be more than happy to go over things with you.” Declan offered.

“Thanks, I would, uh appreciate that.”

“OK. I will see you tomorrow.” Declan finished, efficiently, hanging up the phone.

Adam tossed the phone on the coffee table, and laid down on the couch. He wasn’t used to having so much free time. He had quit his other jobs, except for Boyd’s, and he kept that so he would have something to do on the weekends. Blue was still in the hospital, still not speaking. Henry had made attempts to talk to Adam. Adam wasn’t unnecessarily unkind to Henry, but Henry had been Gansey’s friend, not Adam’s. Adam just wanted to be left alone.

*******

_‘I don’t know why you can’t try harder to get along with Ronan.’ Gansey sighed as he and Adam worked on a project together in the school’s library for their Junior English class._

_‘How’s this on me? He’s the one being an asshole.’ Adam complained._

_‘Ronan isn’t very good at verbally expressing himself.’ Gansey stated diplomatically._

_‘I just made a joke about him getting a hardon over racing with Kavinsky. How was I supposed to know he was going to lose his mind over it?’ Adam countered._

_‘I think there is something going on with him and Kavinsky.’ Gansey admitted._

_That threw Adam for a loop. He had never thought of Ronan as being anything. Although, it was a little suspicious that someone with Ronan’s good looks and fat wallet had never even hooked up with a girl so far as any of them knew. Although, Adam knew Ronan well enough by now to know Ronan wasn’t really the casual kind of person. Thinking of Ronan as gay though, that would put some things in a new perspective._

_‘Is Ronan…’ Adam trailed off, not sure why he would care one way or the other._

_‘No, I don’t mean romantically. I just meant he keeps sneaking off, coming back the next morning smelling like booze and burnt rubber. I think he’s just upset that we know about his secret racing. But, I just don’t know why he would associate with Joseph. My understanding is those two hate each other.’_

_Adam knew unequivocally that Ronan hated Kavinsky. Everyone hated Kavinsky. Even K’s little puppet, Prokopenko probably hated Kavinsky. Adam wasn’t so sure about Kavinsky though. He had heard all the innuendos. He saw how Kavinsky looked at Ronan, like he wanted to devour Ronan. It was overtly sexual, enough so that it made Adam uncomfortable to notice Kavinsky looking at Ronan._

_‘Well, it’s probably just Ronan being an irresponsible douchebag.’ Adam sighed._

_‘You sound like Declan.’ Gansey replied, not making the statement sound like a compliment._

*******

Adam wasn’t sure why he had agreed to this. He didn’t really want to see Declan again so soon. Although, focusing on his embarrassment had diverted his focus on his grief. He wasn’t sure why Declan wanted him there. Adam loved Matthew, thought he was a sweet kid, but he didn’t really know Matthew that well. He just knew how much Ronan had loved his little brother. He was mildly grateful Ronan would not be here to witness this.

Ashley was conspicuously absent when Adam entered Matthew’s room. Declan was sitting by Matthew’s bed, holding his younger brother’s hand. He offered Adam a weak smile.

“Thanks for coming.” Declan said, nodding to a chair on the other side of the hospital bed.

Adam sat down awkwardly. He was once again envious of Declan’s ability to retain his composure. Declan looks devastated, understandably so, but he didn’t seem embarrassed about seeing Adam again. They sat there in silence until a doctor, two nurses, and two administrators came in. They talked to Declan quietly, privately. Adam whispered to Matthew.

“Hey Mattie. I’ve never really been one to believe in God. But I kind of hope there is one now, just so you and Ronan get to be together again.” Adam finished, swallowing back tears.

Declan had noticed the exchange, but didn’t say anything.

The process was horrible to witness, but Adam dutifully stood next to Declan as tubes were removed, and machines were turned off. It took Matthew almost ninety minutes to take his last breath. Adam audibly gasped when Matthew flatlined. Declan just turned and hugged Adam, softly crying into Adam’s shoulder. Adam desperately wanted to cry too.

Declan had to sign some more papers, but then was released. Adam said he would follow Declan back to Declan’s townhouse in the city.

*******

_‘You really don’t believe in God?’ Ronan asked as he plopped down on Adam’s mattress, loosening his tie after mass._

_‘I dunno, not really. I’m big on proof, not so much on faith.’ Adam replied nonchalantly, trying to focus on his Calculus homework._

_‘You should come to mass with me sometime.’ Ronan said, trying to sound as nonchalant as Adam._

_Adam just hummed as he worked on another problem._

_‘You could go to lunch with me and Declan, and Mattie afterwards.’_

_Was Ronan asking him to meet his family? Adam knew he and Ronan had been shamelessly flirting for weeks. Well, flirting for them…it would have been called an awkward disaster by any sane person. Adam wished Ronan would just kiss him already, he knew he couldn’t be the one to do it. If he tried to kiss Ronan before Ronan was ready, he’d spook Ronan so bad they would probably have to start all over again, and Adam would be halfway through college before they got to this point again._

_‘I suppose I could do that.’ Adam replied._

_He didn’t turn around to see the pleased smile play on Ronan’s lips._

*******

Declan and Adam ate in awkward silence. Declan had picked up Chinese food and a couple bottles of wine on his way home. They both picked at their food, neither having had much of an appetite the past few weeks.

“Do you want to stay the night.” Declan asked, like you’d ask someone if they wanted more mashed potatoes.

“OK.” Was Adam’s only response.

Adam took the clothes Declan offered and went to take a shower. Adam didn’t know why he agreed to this. Henrietta was only two hours away, and it was just now eight at night. Adam told himself he wanted to talk to Declan about the will, but then he wasn’t sure why he was lying to himself. He just didn’t want to be alone at night. And he was pretty sure Declan didn’t want to either.

When Adam got out of the shower, he started to go downstairs to the couch, but then he felt Declan pull him into his room. Adam didn’t even have a chance to say anything before Declan was greedily kissing Adam. Adam moaned into Declan’s mouth while he wrapped his arms around Declan’s bare torso. Adam felt Declan pick him up and place him on the bed, almost gently, probably how Ronan would have.

Adam shook that thought from his head.

Declan was sucking a bruise into Adam’s throat, and Adam was enjoying the almost painful pleasure of it. He was running his hands through sheets of thick, black, curly hair, enjoying the silky smoothness of it. Declan was ridiculously attractive, and Adam felt a shameful pride as he felt Declan’s erection against his thigh.

“Where’s, where is Ashley?” Adam rasped as Declan sucked on Adam’s earlobe.

“Gone. She said I was too much of a downer.” Declan laughed bitterly.

“You have terrible taste in girls.” Adam let out a surprisingly sincere laugh before moving to kiss Declan again.

This time Declan didn’t stop Adam when he went to palm Declan’s erection through Declan’s underwear. Declan just let out a low groan and bucked against Adam. Adam rolled them over, so he was on top and moved to kiss and lick at Declan’s torso.

Declan obviously waxed his chest. Adam was mildly disappointed, not noticing during their first encounter. Adam then found the sharp V of Declan’s hip, and was much less disappointed by running his hands along the denser hair of Declan’s thighs.

“Can I?” Adam asked, looking up at Declan, over Declan’s boxer clad erection.

Declan looked back at Adam, pupil’s blown, wanton lust clouding his face.

“Yeah.” Was all Declan said, before breaking eye contact and laying his head back on his pillow.

An infinity of swears escaped Declan’s lips, perhaps not poetically strung together, but creatively. Adam worked Declan faster, and he could hear Declan chanting ‘fuck, fuck, fuck.’

“I’m going to, I’m going to….” Declan trailed off.

Adam finished him off, while also working himself off.

Declan got up, and went to the bathroom. When he came out he brought out a damp washcloth for Adam to wipe himself off with. When Adam was done, Declan pulled Adam to his chest.

“What is this to you?” Declan asked.

“Grieving. That’s what this is.” Adam replied honestly.

“OK, good.” Declan said, kissing the top of Adam’s head.

The two young men fell asleep, naked, in one another’s arms.

*******

_‘I think we should wait.’ Ronan said breathlessly as Adam was trying to wriggle his hand into the waistband of Ronan’s ridiculous skinny jeans._

_‘Isn’t that what we’ve been doing for the past six months?’ Adam replied, moving to kiss Ronan again as he sat on Ronan’s lap, on the couch in the living room of the Barns._

_Ronan pushed Adam away a little._

_‘Adam.’ He began, lovingly pushing away some of Adam’s hair. ‘I’m not sure you understand the level and depth of my want for you, but I don’t want you to regret….this…tomorrow.’_

_‘Ronan, I’ve been waiting for you to kiss me for months, I want you too. I want to do everything with and to you.’ Adam replied, his eyes filled with unbridled lust, as he stared at Ronan’s red, and kiss bruised lips._

_‘God, you need to stop saying shit like that or I’m going to beg you to fuck me here on this couch.’ Ronan laughed, happily, moving up to capture Adam’s lips with his own again._

_Adam hummed into the kiss contentedly as he stroked the soft hair on Ronan’s chest, and then the soft bristles of Ronan’s buzzcut. Adam pulled back, just to look at Ronan again._

_‘You make me kind of happy when you aren’t pissing me off.’ Adam smirked._

_‘Ditto Babe.’ Ronan smiled, kissing Adam again._

*******

Adam tried to maintain some level of normalcy throughout November and December. He attended all his classes regularly, his professors being more than understanding with the deaths of Gansey, Ronan, and Matthew. Aglionby had practically shut down for Matthew’s funeral. Adam had studiously avoided Declan, only offering brief condolences at the appropriate time before heading back to Henrietta.

A week before winter break, Swan and Skov found Adam alone in the A.P. Chem lab.

“Hey, Parrish.” Swan offered, sitting on the lab stool next to Adam. Skov sat in the stool at the table in front of Adam.

“What do you want?” Adam said, disinterestedly.

“Sorry about Gansey and Ronan.” Skov offered, sounding surprisingly sympathetic.

“The funerals were like two months ago. Why are you bothering me now?” Adam asked, annoyance clear in his voice.

Adam could make it through the days if he didn’t have to think about Gansey or Ronan. He didn’t even cry himself to sleep some nights, sleeping on the couch at Monmouth, unable to sleep on any of his dead friend’s mattresses. Adam hadn’t even so much as cracked Ronan’s room open since the night Declan had stayed. He didn’t want to think about Ronan right now, especially not in context with K’s former flunkies.

“I guess, we just want to…you know…give you some space.” Swan said, running a hand through his shiny, straight, black hair.

“OK, but what do you want now?” Adam asked again, not taking his eyes off his lab notes.

“I guess we wanted to tell you it was only you for Lynch. We weren’t sure if it would make things better or worse for you, but we thought you should know. Nothing ever happened with Lynch and Kavinsky. Kavinsky wanted it, but Ronan was pretty clearly into you.” Skov explained, his dark green eyes boring into Adam.

“Lynch and me weren’t like that.” Adam said, only half-lying. He didn’t think one night of making out constituted an actual relationship.

“Regardless, we thought you should know.” Swan replied, knocking on the stone lab table, standing up.

“And, Parrish, keep an eye out for Declan.” Skov said cryptically as the pair walked out of the room.

Adam took several moments to control his breathing before forcing himself back to his lab worksheet.

*******

_‘You think Ronan’s gay?’ Blue asked Adam lazily as they laid under the birch tree, in the back yard of Fox Way, in the early August heat._

_‘Why, you interested?’ Adam smirked, knowing full well Blue’s eyes were firmly trained on Gansey._

_‘Ugh…no. I mean Ronan isn’t terrible looking, but he is not hot enough to override his shitty personality.’ Blue protested._

_Adam almost laughed. He almost forgot Blue, and even Gansey, rarely got to see the Ronan that Adam had been privy to the past couple of months. The shy and fumbling boy, who would awkwardly offer Adam small tokens of affection. Tokens so small, even Adam couldn’t refuse them. How to say no to candy bars, rides to work, Ronan’s “extra” sandwich at lunch? Ronan seemed to know just how to toe the line during his endearing attempts to show Adam how he felt._

_‘I dunno,’ Adam lied. ‘Would it matter to you if he was? I don’t care. And if he was, he probably wouldn’t want us idly gossiping about it.’_

_‘No, I mean, actually if he was, that would explain a lot. Especially the whole Kavinsky thing. There was some weird energy there. You don’t need to be supernatural to have felt the tension between them.’_

_Adam would have been lying if the thought of Kavinsky touching Ronan didn’t eat him with jealously. Adam was happy Kavinsky was dead, not because K had wanted Ronan the same way Adam was starting to, but because Kavinsky was basically the worst humanity had to offer. The thought of Kavinsky kissing Ronan, touching Ronan, fucking Ronan, made Adam’s skin crawl. He wanted desperately to ask Ronan about it, but he was afraid Ronan would ask him why he cared. And then Adam, who didn’t want to lie to Ronan, would have to tell him why he cared. He wasn’t ready to admit it out loud yet._

*******

Blue was released from the care facility she was at five days before Christmas. Adam was standing awkwardly in the foyer of Fox Way in front of Maura. Maura has tried to hug Adam when he walked through the front door, but he neatly stepped back out of Maura’s reach. Maura went to check with Blue to see if she was up for visitors. Maura then motioned for Adam to come up.

Blue looked like she had aged twenty years over the past two months. She had heavy bags under her eyes. He hair was cut in a brutal pixie, and it looked like patches of hair had either fallen out, or had been ripped out. She looked sickly, almost jaundiced, and had clearly lost weight. Contrarily, Adam looked the healthiest he ever had. He had the same bags under his eyes, but he had been eating regularly and had access to steady hot water and central heating.

“Hey, Blue.” Adam said, his drawl thick.

“Hey, Adam.” Blue responded quietly, motioning for Adam to sit.

“How are you doing?” Adam asked politely.

He still wasn’t sure if he ever wanted to talk to Blue again. He still unfairly resented and blamed her for waiting so long to kiss Gansey. If she had just kissed Gansey sooner, Ronan would be in Adam’s bed right now, and there might have been enough of Cabeswater to have saved Gansey. That had been the plan, get Gansey to Cabeswater, but then there was no Cabeswater. Adam rationally knew it was no more Blue’s fault as it was his fault, or Henry’s.

“Tired, the meds I’m on kind of help me sleep.” Blue replied honestly.

“Blue, you know it’s not your fault, right?” Adam supplied gently.

“I know, but I’m never going to see him again. He was the love of my life, my true love, and I killed him. You just don’t…I don’t think…think…you really understand. Gansey and Ronan were just your friends, you don’t understand what it’s like to be in love like that.”

Adam kept his mouth shut. Blue didn’t need to know about Ronan. She didn’t need the added guilt of knowing Ronan and Adam had just found one another, only to have it so cruelly taken away. Maybe one day, when the hurts were old and no longer stung as much, but there was no need for her to know that now.

“What can I do?” Adam asked.

“Just be my friend. I don’t seem to have any others left.” Blue smiled sadly.

“I’m in short supply myself.” Adam replied, squeezing Blue’s hand.

When Adam was on his way to the BMW, he received a text from Declan, asking to stay at Monmouth for a few days. Adam said that was fine, and drove back to what was now home for him. Adam knew what this meant, and he wasn’t sure he cared. Adam didn’t care about Declan in that way. He didn’t get butterflies in his stomach over the thought of the eldest Lynch brother. He didn’t get hard with anticipation over Declan. But, Declan was a nice distraction, and it was comforting knowing Declan was there for the same reason Adam was. There would be no hurt feeling when this was over.

Adam pulled into the parking lot, only to find a moving truck sitting at Monmouth. Movers were moving old mattresses out and bringing new mattresses in, along with some other new pieces of furniture. Adam was immediately filled with rage. He slammed the driver door of the BMW, and stalked over to Declan grabbing Declan’s arm, pulling the larger man to a corner of the lot outside of earshot.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Adam hissed.

“I’m changing the mattresses. I walked in earlier, and noticed you seemed to be nesting on the couch. I thought this would help.” Declan said, practically.

“Which one is his?” Adam pleaded, nodding to the pile of mattresses.

Declan pointed to the king size mattress. Adam dropped to his knees in front of it and fell on to it. It didn’t smell like anything, just a cotton and dust. There wasn’t a trace of Ronan’s earthy smell on it. And he just wept, not caring that two giant men wearing coveralls where openly gawking at him.

Declan left Adam there while the movers finished, and then helped Adam inside. It was about twenty degrees outside, so both men were freezing by the time they were back inside the loft. Declan just sat Adam on new couch and made them both hot tea. While Adam was drinking his tea, Declan drew a hot bath.

Declan was careful helping Adam out of his clothes, helping Adam into the tub. Declan unselfconsciously removed his own clothes, climbing in behind Adam. He pulled Adam to his chest, and just let Adam sob while the water in the tub cooled. They remained like that until Declan could feel his skin pruning. He helped Adam out, and helped Adam into clean sweats and an old hoodie of Ronan’s. Declan then got dressed and led Adam to where Gansey’s old bed was. Adam curled up on his side, and Declan pulled Adam so Adam’s back was flush with Declan’s broad chest. They fell asleep like that.

Adam woke up six hours later, at two in the morning, momentarily confused. He rolled over to find Declan looking as him, the street lamp allowing enough light through the block windows to see Declan’s shadowed face. He looked contemplative. Adam ran a tentative hand across Declan’s cheek.

“Am I making it worse, by being here?” Declan asked.

Adam wasn’t sure how to answer. In some ways, yes, absolutely. Declan looked enough like Ronan that it hurt Adam sometimes to look like him. In other ways, no, absolutely. Declan was the only other person alive who loved Ronan as much as Adam did. Gansey, Niall, Aurora, Matthew, Orphan Girl, even Kavinsky, in his twisted way, were all just as dead and buried as Ronan.

“No, it just…comes and go. I’ve gone a whole week once without breaking down like what you saw. But, just seeing Ronan’s bed, tossed out like that…knowing he would never sleep in it again. Knowing it didn’t smell like him anymore…it did something to me. I haven’t been in his room since he died.” Adam admitted his weakness.

Declan sighed.

“I haven’t been able to go into Matthew’s room. Even though none of it smells like him anymore. I just want someone to hate, someone to blame.” Declan said bitterly, rolling on his back, staring at the ceiling as he made his confession.

This made Adam let out a small laugh.

“What?” Declan, said, not amused.

“Ronan used to do the same thing. He’d lay on my floor at St. Agnes, and that’s how he would make his confessions in the dead of night, staring at the ceiling, maybe at God. I don’t know. Part of me was relieved he would do that, because if he would have said some of that stuff while looking me in the eyes, I probably would have lost whatever semblance of composure I had left.” Adam said fondly.

“He loved you, didn’t he?” Declan asked.

“I don’t know, I think he did. I’m pretty sure I loved him. We just took too long. Everything just took too long.” Adam confessed, willing himself not to cry.

“What was he like?” Declan asked sincerely, taking Adam’s hand into his own, kissing Adam’s knuckles in an oddly endearing way.

“He was loving and sweet. He was unkind and callous. He created things of beauty while seeing the world for all its ugliness. He was weirdly self-conscious. He was terrible with words, but much better with touch. If he would have tried to tell me he liked me, he would have completely screwed it up and we probably would have gotten into a fight. But he just kissed me, that day you took Matthew to D.C., and everything made perfect sense.”

Declan kissed Adam’s temple, also in an uncharacteristically sweet way.

“Oh, I thought when you alluded to it being new, I thought you still meant longer. I thought you were together as far back as when I brought the battery out to the Pig.”

“No, we just had that one night, and it was all very loving and chaste. Ronan wanted to take his time with me. He wanted me to feel comfortable. He didn’t want to hurt me, and ask anything of me I wasn’t ready to give…” Adam trailed off, crying again, but not the uncontrollable sobbing of earlier.

Declan moved in and kissed Adam, Adam returned the kiss hungrily. He didn’t want to talk about Ronan anymore. He pushed himself onto Declan, turning the kiss wet and filthy. Declan slung he leg over Adam’s to bring them closer together. Adam moved to Declan’s neck, sucking on it. Suddenly Declan pushed Adam back a little.

“Wait, do you mean you never…with Ronan?” Declan asked Adam uncertainly.

“No, just you.” Adam whispered huskily before moving back to his efforts of removing Declan’s shirt.

Declan was going to protest again, but Adam already had his long, slender, fingers wrapped about Declan’s pulsing erection inside his sweats.

*******

_‘Declan is such a slut.’ Ronan slurred in drunken disgust to Adam while they were lounging on the floor of the living area of Monmouth._

_Adam had just met Declan for the first time. He seemed like kind of an asshole, but he was perfectly polite to Adam. He was perfectly polite to Gansey. He even tried to be polite to Ronan, but Ronan wasn’t having any of it. He yelled at Declan, then Declan yelled at him, and then the two were beating the shit out of one another right in front of Gansey’s bed. Ronan ended up with three stiches, Declan with five. Adam wasn’t sure who the winner was, or if that was the point of it._

_He just remembered thinking how even as a victim of physical abuse, there was something strangely fascinating watching how the brother’s moved against one another. The goal was to bruise, to bleed, to work through whatever their bullshit was – but not to hurt, not in the real way of it. They just didn’t know how else to relate to one another._

_‘Why do you care about how many girls Declan sleeps with? He take a girl you were sweet on?” Adam chuckled while doing tricks with a yo-yo he found in Gansey’s junk drawer._

_Ronan scoffed._

_‘Please, like I would even go after the same kind of person Declan would be interested in.’_

_‘OK, so why do you care then? If I looked like Declan and had the same opportunities he did, I can’t say I wouldn’t be tempted.’ Adam declared, absently._

_‘No, you wouldn’t Parrish. Your time is too valuable, you wouldn’t waste your time on anything casual. Plus, you wouldn’t do something unless you could fully commit to it. And really, look like Declan?’ Ronan made a gagging noise._

_‘Hey asshole, you know the two off you could almost pass yourself off as twins, so you are basically making juvenile gagging noises about what you see in the mirror.’ Adam responded smugly._

_Ronan and Declan did look very similar from a distance. Ronan was a little taller, but Declan was broader. Ronan was slimmer hipped, while Declan was bulkier. Declan’s jaw was more squared. Ronan’s nose was a little sharper. Declan had a thicker neck. Ronan’s eyebrows were just a little finer. Ronan had a prominent scar across his right eyebrow. Declan had a sharp, but clean looking scar along his left jaw line which prevented him from growing a full, clean, beard. They had the same curly black hair, startling blue eyes, thin lips, small ears, and squared off finger-nails. A passing acquaintance may have confused the two men if enough time had passed._

_Adam looked over, and noticed Ronan giving him a strangely thoughtful look. Adam wasn’t sure of what to make of Ronan’s expression, other than it was causing his cheeks to flush uncomfortably. Adam returned Ronan’s gaze for a few seconds before Ronan broke contact, in favor of taking another swig from his flask._

_‘You still haven’t answered my question. Why do you care?’_

_‘I guess I think it should mean something. What’s the point of it, if it doesn’t?” Ronan explained._

_It was the first time Ronan had ever said anything to Adam which made Adam think Ronan was perhaps a person of substance after all._

*******

Adam and Declan were comfortably sitting on the mattress in the main area of Monmouth with their cereal bowls. Adam wasn’t sure if Declan was going to do the same thing about last night as he did with the previous two encounters, and just ignore what had happened.

“I like being with you Adam.” Declan admitted, while taking a bite of Captain Crunch.

Adam stared at his own bowl of Lucky Charms, not sure how to answer.

“Ummm…thanks.” Adam said, unsure.

“Fuck, I don’t know how to say this without being an asshole. I like being with you because it helps, with everything. It makes it easier, for a little while. I just don’t want you too…to you know…get too invested.”

This made Adam laugh, loudly, unselfconsciously. It was the best laugh he had in over two months.

“Don’t worry Lynch, I’m not like falling in love with you.” Adam smirked.

“Oh, well…”

“Just stop, before you actually say something that pisses me off. I like being with you too, but in a physical way. It makes it easier, because you know, you know what this is. It’s weird and fucked up, and I’m sure I’ll need therapy. But this is basically me working through years of sexual frustration with someone I know I’m not going to hurt. You don’t want anything real, you don’t want to be with a guy.”

Declan started to protest.

“You have very consciously avoided touching my dick, which is fine, I know what this is. I like doing that stuff with you though. I like touching you like that, I get off from it. And I think this, with us, is us just trying to figure out how to survive.”

“You aren’t wrong. I don’t want to be in a relationship with a man. I obviously respond to you physically though. And I’m not against doing more, I just never have.”

“You’re looking at handful of kisses with girls my freshman year of high school, and one fumbling make out session with Ronan. I’m not exactly a paragon of experience.” Adam said, shrugging.

“Oh…well…I mean you seem…” Declan trailed off.

“I know where all the good porn sites are.” Adam quirked an eyebrow.

This made Declan laugh, for probably the first time in two months.

*******

_Adam looked at Ronan enviously as Ronan strode across Monmouth in just his underwear while Gansey, Noah, and Adam sat on the couch, waiting for Blue to make popcorn. Ronan ducked into his room, and threw on a white wife beater and a pair of athletic shorts. He came back out and moved Noah out of the way so he sat flush against Adam._

_Adam pretended it was accidentally, but he couldn’t help feeling they were doing something illicit as Ronan rested his bare calf against Adam’s bare calf. The smell of Ronan invaded Adam’s senses as Ronan swung his arm behind Adam’s head along the back of the couch. Blue came out with a bowl of popcorn, either not noticing, or not caring about the closeness of Ronan and Adam. She flopped down on the recliner._

_“So, it’s Blue’s pick.” Gansey said uncertainly._

_“Yes, I think we needed to get away from Monte Python and car racing movies, so we will be watching the indie classic ‘My Own Private Idaho’ this evening.” Blue said smugly._

_Gansey, Noah, and Ronan groaned. Gansey because he hated Keanu Reeves. Ronan because Blue picked, and he assumed it was going to suck. Noah because Blue said “indie.” Adam just quirked a small smile as he had seen the film before. Gansey fell asleep within the first half hour, but Adam kept quietly looking over at Ronan, who was raptly paying attention. Adam resisted the urge to grab Ronan’s hand, to tell Ronan he could touch him, this could be more._

_School was going to start, Adam felt he was putting himself out there, but judging by the defeated look on Ronan’s face, he clearly didn’t understand, or know, that Adam was just as in this as he was. It panged Adam to see Ronan so miserable, so guilt ridden, but he had to remind himself, he had to let Ronan come to terms in his own time. If Adam pushed, he would spook Ronan. It didn’t stop Adam from running his calve along Ronan’s towards the end of the movie. The sensation was enough for Ronan’s breath to catch. Adam just smiled through the closing credits._

*******

Declan talked Adam into going through Ronan’s room two afternoons after he arrived. Adam wasn’t sure if he was ready, but the continuous pit in his stomach by avoiding it, was getting to be too much. He was relieved the room mostly just smelled like dust and disuse now. Declan sat on the new, unused mattress, with a box of papers to riffle through. He let Adam go through things.

Adam wasn’t sure what to start with. He had only been in Ronan’s room a handful of times, and never for very long. They spent most of their time together at St. Agnes or the Barns. This was just somewhere Ronan occasionally slept since being allowed back to the Barns. He hadn’t kept many clothes here. Most of the stuff in the room was dream junk, including the mask Ronan had warned Adam to never touch. He would worry about that later.

Adam went through drawers of junk objects, not sure what to do with any of it. He felt sick about throwing any of it away, nothing like it would ever exist again. Maybe Declan would want to take some it to the Barns. Adam was relieved Ronan had not left him the Barns. He didn’t think he would ever be able to set foot on the property ever again. It was just too much of Ronan all at once.

Adam stilled when he pulled a trunk out of the back of Ronan’s closet. It was a large, black, steamer trunk, with a heavy duty lock on it. Declan went and got a pair of bolt cutters out of his trunk. Adam didn’t ask why Declan needed, or had, bolt cutters. After the lock was snapped, Adam lifted the lid and gasped.  
Declan looked at the contents quizzically.

Adam pulled out a stack of Coca-Cola t-shirts, his Coca-Cola shirt. There was a replica of his coveralls that he wore to Boyd’s. Copies of his Aglionby tie. Copies of his Aglionby sweater. There was an exact replica of his sophomore history text book. Adam knew Ronan couldn’t always control what he brought back, but how many dreams had Ronan suffered through about Adam? How many times had dream Adam rejected Ronan? How many times had dream Adam loved Ronan back? The tears were falling fast down Adam’s face as he pillaged through dream fragments of Adam’s life. There was a matchbox sized model of the Hondayota. There was an alarming number of dream condoms and bottles of what Adam assumed was dream lube. There were also dozens of sketchbooks at the bottom of the trunk.

“Do you want some time, alone?” Declan asked, kindly.

Adam just shook his head in the affirmative.

Declan said he was going to run to the grocery store to pick up a few things, to give Adam some time to finish going through the trunk. After Declan left, Adam apprehensively flipped through one of the notebooks. Adam was stunned by the images. Ronan had made dozens of sketches of him and Adam, together, biblically. Adam was equally horrified and impressed by the accuracy of it. Adam was impressed with how close Ronan has gotten him. Dream Adam’s penis was a little bigger and thicker, but to Adam’s knowledge, Ronan had never seen him completely naked. Adam knew Ronan on these pages was exactly how Ronan had been in real life. Adam ached, it was too much. This wasn’t erotic or arousing for him. This was just another painful, horrible reminder he would never get to talk to Ronan about any of this. He would never get to do anything of this with Ronan. Most of the notebooks contained much of the same. Adam wondered if these were dream manifestations, or if this would be how Ronan sometimes whittled away the hours while not attending class. Of course, Ronan would make his own pornography, and it would be technologically outdated. It was as sweet as it was creepy. None of the notebooks offered any other insight into Ronan as a person.

Adam was sitting on the floor surrounded by a pile of black sketchpads, snot running down his nose, eyes blood shot and puffy, when Declan came back with food. Declan just picked Adam off the floor and placed him on the couch, while he made soup for them both.

To Declan’s credit, he never asked Adam what was in the notebooks.

*******

_‘So, you never watch porn?’ Adam asked Ronan incredulously, knowing he was straddling a line._

_‘I don’t believe PornHub has anything I would be interested in.’ Ronan responded honestly._

_Adam’s heart stuttered a little. Why wouldn’t Ronan just kiss him already?_

*******

Adam and Declan had sex after Christmas midnight mass. Adam prepped himself in the bathroom, and Declan sounded skeptical at first. Adam told Declan in between rather filthy kisses that he did want it. Declan relented when Adam rolled the condom on, and smeared lube over the condom. The condom was pressing against Adam’s backside as he and Declan stood in front for what was Gansey’s old bed.

“Have you ever done this, this way?” Adam asked as Declan placed a kiss on Adam’s freckled shoulder.

“No.” Declan admitted. The girls Declan usually dated were most assuredly not interested in this kind of sex.

“Just be slow when going in, and give me a minute, OK.” Adam said practically, but still sounding lustful with his southern twang.

Declan started off painfully slow. He awkwardly reached forward and clumsily stroked Adam’s hardening cock. Adam started to swear.

“Fuck.” Adam whined.

It was nothing and everything like Adam thought it would be. It felt so much better than he thought it would. Declan was being careful with him, and Adam appreciated it, but after a while, he urged Declan on, and soon Adam was sputtering obscenities which would have impressed Ronan.

“Are you close?” Declan asked, voice strained.

“Just a minute, you can hang on another minute.” Adam more requested than asked.

“Fuck, I am trying, but Jesus, you are so fucking tight.”

Just Declan mentioning how tight Adam was, did it for Adam. He was coming all over nice clean sheets as Declan pounded into him. A half a dozen well timed thrusts later and Declan was groaning as he came into the condom Adam had put on him. Declan didn’t pull out immediately, but collapsed against Adam’s back as Adam tried to catch his breathing.

*******

_‘Boy, I should beat you.’ Robert Parrish yelled at five year old Adam who was playing with one of his female cousin’s dolls._

_Robert grabbed the doll, and threw it across the room. Adam just sat there, confused._

_‘Bobbie, he’s just a boy.’ Adam’s mother huffed, lighting another cigarette._

_‘Yeah, he’s a boy. You keep letting him play with this shit and he’s going to be taking it up the ass when he grows up.’ Robert growled._

_Adam looked over at his cousin, Shailene, who was happily playing with her Barbie. Adam didn’t see the problem. He was playing with the boy doll._

_‘I don’t think being a homo works like that.’ Adam’s Mom wearily replied, a strangely progressive stance._

_‘What do you know about anything, you cow?’ Robert muttered. ‘Get up Adam, we’re going to down to the garage, teach you how to be a man.’_

_Adam just got up off the floor, waved to his cousin’s, and went off with his father to Boyd’s._

*******

Blue wasn’t sure what to do when she entered Monmouth three days after Christmas. She had noticed Declan’s car in the lot. But that wasn’t that strange. She thought he was probably here to help Adam go through Ronan’s things. She cursed her elven stealth when she witnessed the sight before her.

It was Adam’s tanned, lean, but well muscled back. It was Adam’s head thrown back, muttering curses while he panted. It was Declan’s bare torso. It was Declan holding on to Adam’s hips. It was Adam working himself up and down on top of Declan on the couch. It was moaning, and heavy breathing. Blue didn’t want to look. Blue couldn’t look away. Five, ten, fifteen, twenty, thirty, forty seconds passed before Declan’s blue eyes made contact with hers. He went still.

“What the fuck?” Declan sputtered.

Adam stopped what he was doing, turned his head over his shoulder, and just looked at Blue for several long moments. Adam pulled off from Declan while Blue dumbly stared at Declan’s condom covered erection. When she looked at Adam, Adam had already pulled a pair of sweatpants on. But then Blue was staring at Adam’s naked torso, and then again at Declan, as he got up and just went into the bathroom without a stich of clothing on.

“Blue.” Adam pleaded.

Blue came to her senses and ran down the stairs.

“Fuck.” Adam swore as he quickly threw on Declan’s too large wool trench and a pair of snow boots.

He ran down the stairs and caught Blue before she could get into her mother’s car.

“Blue.” Adam yelled.

“What?” Blue yelled, hand dropping from the door.

“What are you doing here?” Adam asked sincerely. He had been calling Blue for the past week, and she hadn’t returned a single of his phone calls.

“I thought we could talk.” Blue replied, eyes trained on the ground, her face was red, she looked like she might start crying.

“OK, we can do that. Please, come inside.” Adam begged. He was freezing. He didn’t have a shirt on underneath the coat, and the wool was starting to irritate his skin.

“No, it doesn’t matter now.” Blue spat.

“Why? What would what I was doing in there have anything to do with you and me?” Adam asked, honestly confused.

“I’m just stupid. My Mom and Calla overselling as usual.”

“What the fuck Blue, stop being cryptic. What the hell are you talking about?” Adam asked, teeth starting to chatter.

“My Mom told me, and Calla confirmed it. That Ronan…that Ronan was in love with you…and that you were in love with him, I guess.”

Adam was furious.

“That was not their fucking place. They had no right…no right…to talk about that.” Adam yelled.

“Well, it’s probably a good thing they don’t know what they’re talking about since I just walked in on Declan fucking you.” Blue spat.

“No, that’s not…you don’t understand…” Adam tried.

“I was being pitiful, and Mom explained you lost Ronan, but you weren’t moping about. You still went to work and school, and I couldn’t use Gansey as an excuse to stop living my life. And then she told me about you and Ronan, about all of your possibilities.” Blue was crying now.

Adam was crying too.

“Fuck, Blue. I’m doing the best I can here. I don’t have anyone. Declan doesn’t have anyone. I’m not moving on from Ronan with Declan. I’m trying to survive without Ronan with Declan.”

“It’s not healthy.” Blue chided.

“What about any of this is healthy? I lost everything that day. I lost my magic. I lost Gansey. I lost Noah. I lost Ronan. I lost you.” Adam cried.

“You didn’t lose me.” Blue whispered.

“I did though. For almost two months you were just as gone as Gansey and Ronan. I’ve called you every day for the past week, and you haven’t returned a single call.”

Blue looked rightfully shamed.

“It’s hard to be around you. It makes it all worse.” Blue admitted.

“So, don’t be around me then.” Adam schooled his face into indifference.

“OK then.” Blue said simply, got into her car, and drove away.

*******

_Adam was sitting on the stairs of Monmouth when Ronan returned from the library._

_‘I guess I just had to send my father to jail to get you to go to the library.’ Adam said in a humorless tone._

_Ronan looked at Adam warily, hand held tightly to the strap of the rarely used backpack. Ronan would have rather died than carry around a leather messenger bag like Gansey._

_‘Parrish…’ Ronan began, unsure._

_‘I don’t want to talk about it again after this. Thank you, I owe you. I think he might have actually killed me this time.’_

_Ronan swallowed thickly, looking at Adam’s bruised face. It wasn’t much better than his own._

_‘You don’t owe me shit Parrish. I should have fucking killed him for what he did to you.'_

_‘I know you think you are tough as nails and all that masculine bullshit, but I don’t think you could actually kill anyone. You only did what you did to protect me.’_

_And Adam caught that look in Ronan’s eye. Almost the same one from months ago when Adam had inadvertently called Ronan handsome. Adam didn’t know what to do with that look, so he looked at the ground. Ronan moved closer._

_‘I’m sorry….Adam.’_

_Adam looked up, he could count on one hand home many times Ronan had used his first name in the nearly two years they had known one another. Adam thought Ronan was going to touch his face, but then Ronan moved his hand back to his side, unsure._

_‘Fuck you, you got nothing to be sorry for.’ Adam said soberly._

_And then Adam reached out, took Ronan’s hand, squeezed it, and then fled into Noah’s room before either of them could do anything to ruin a halfway decent moment between the two of them._

*******

Adam didn’t try to talk to Blue for almost a month. Toward the beginning of February he drove by Fox Way after school. He slammed on the brakes of the BMW when he saw the ‘For Sale’ sign in the yard. He parked the car on the street and walked up to the front porch. The house looked completely empty. He went to the back and looked through the kitchen window. All the kitchen cupboards were open, empty. The refrigerator door hung open, empty. Fox Way was empty.

Adam went around front again and noticed an envelope had been taped to the door. His name was on the front. He ripped it open and read the contents. The letter was from Maura.

**Adam –**

**You don’t deserve any of what has happened to you. Blue was coming over that day to tell you we were moving. I’m not sure what you and Blue fought about, but I think for the time, maybe some distance might do you both some good. Dean took a teaching position in California, but I have written my cell number at the bottom in case you need anything. Calla has moved to Chicago to be with her sister. After what happened, none of us really wanted to stay.**

**You are a survivor Adam. You will get through this. Ronan loved you for a reason. And he did, love you. I don’t know how far the two of you got in your relationship, but you were the forefront of his mind pretty much the entire time I knew him. He wanted your happiness. I think he left you his money, but not his property, so you could go off and find that happiness. He wouldn’t want you stuck here, mourning him your entire life. I’m sorry you lost him. I’m sorry you lost Noah and Gansey. I hope you have someone in your life that brings you some small amount of joy.**

**Best of Luck,**

**Maura**

Adam had to sit in the BMW for a half hour, trying to calm himself down enough to drive back to Monmouth.

He hadn’t seen Declan since Christmas, but he called to see if he could stay the weekend, Declan said of course, not sounding joyous over weary regarding the invitation.

*******

_Adam didn’t understand why they were sitting through Ronan’s tennis practice. It was hot outside, Adam had a shift in two hours, and a mountain of homework to do._

_‘We are trying to be supportive of our friend.’ Gansey explained._

_‘Yes, because Ronan is just a fountain of support to us.’ Adam complained, trying to study his civics notes while the wind kept viscously flapping his notes._

_‘Come on. This is the first time he’s shown up for practice in months. We should encourage him.’_

_‘I don’t even understand how he still gets to be on the team. I’d say it was preferential rich asshole treatment, but this entire school is lousy with rich assholes. Is it because Lynch is a bigger rich asshole than the other rich assholes?’ Adam mused, giving up on his civics notes._

_'Just watch.’ Gansey smirked._

_Adam didn’t know dick about tennis, except that rich people played it. He guessed Ronan must have been good though by how he soundly beat every other player on his team without breaking much of a sweat._

_It was weird seeing Ronan wear something other than black, or varying shades of dark blue and dark grey. The shorts were indecently short, the dark hair on Ronan’s legs in stark contract with the paleness of his thighs. Ronan pulled his shirt up to wipe of his face, and Adam noticed the hard muscles of Ronan’s stomach. Did Ronan work out? He must, no one was born with a stomach like that. Was Adam checking Ronan out? Adam quickly back tracked his thought process, but not before Ronan caught Adam staring._

_Ronan smirked. Adam flipped Ronan off._

_‘What’s that all about?” Gansey asked, clueless._

*******

“So, what was Ronan like as a kid?” Adam asked Declan as they laid naked in Declan’s bed on a snowy Saturday morning towards the end of February.

“He was fucking weird.” Declan said, taking a drink of is coffee, smoothing Adam’s hair.

“Well, yeah. But I mean, Gansey would always talk about how different Ronan was before your Dad died.”

“I’m sorry Adam, I’m not the best person to ask. Ronan and I had parted ways long before my father died.”

“I don’t have anyone else to ask though.” Adam sighed.

“Ronan was different with other people than he was with me. Before Dad died Ronan was sweeter, kinder. He was still just as standoffish with people, but it was done in a more forgiving, shyer way. He wasn’t as abrasive. He wouldn’t have survived a week doing what I had to do.” Declan said bitterly.

Adam rolled over and kissed Declan’s thigh. Adam had felt a sense of compassion and sympathy he hadn’t know he was capable of over the past few months with Declan. Seeing things from Declan’s perspective, he felt guilty for playing along with Ronan’s villain fantasies of his older brother.

“How bad was it, with your Dad?” Adam asked.

“It wasn’t like with yours. He never, beat me. But there was a lot of psychological mind fuckery going on. I was twelve when I started helping with the family business. I remember complaining about Ronan not having to help when he turned twelve. I remember my father explaining that Ronan was too good for this sort of thing. And Dad wasn’t wrong, until Niall died, Ronan was goodness and light. He spent his days dreaming up animals and playing in fields. Maybe that’s why he took everything so badly, Dad and I spent too much time protecting him from the real world. He was so dark and angry….after.” Declan sighed.

“I don’t think Ronan lost his light though, not all of it. He still dreamt beautiful animals and beautiful dream things. I think he was, happier, towards the end.” Adam admitted. “I remember thinking about all of them, Gansey, Ronan, Noah, at some point that they were soft and weak…they wouldn’t have any idea what the real world was like. I never thought that about you though. You always seemed to know what the score was.”

“Trust me, I would have rather been acting like a shithead with Kavinsky than trying to clean up my father’s various messes.”

“How is that going, I mean, are you…I guess free of it?”

“I think so. I just want to focus on school now and get the fuck away from here.” Declan declared.

“What about the Barns?” Adam asked, flipping over and sitting up so he was looking at Declan.

“I’m selling it. Mr. Gray agreed to fly back and help get rid of whatever was left. We need to take care of the dream stuff.” Declan said slowly.

“Opal.” Adam gasped.

“I’m sorry Adam. She isn’t going to wake up. There is no way to wake her up. The ley line is nearly drained. There is no Cabeswater. I haven’t been able to find another dreamer. I can’t be there. I don’t want to be there. It was never my home. I think Ronan left the Barns to me because he knew I was just selfish enough to do what had to be done. If he would have left it to you, you probably would have moved in there and given up on the rest of your life.”

Adam stared at his hands, knowing Declan was right, and hating himself for it. It had been almost six months, and there were still mornings Adam would wake up, and his first thought was going to the Barns to see Ronan. And then he would remember, and he wouldn’t be able to get out of bed all day. If he went to the Barns, he would probably curl up in Ronan’s bed and never leave. He put up a good front most of the time, but everyone still knew. Everyone still knew what Adam had lost, just by looking at him.

His teachers were all so pitying of him that he was somehow miraculously keeping up his 4.0 GPA while doing a fraction of the work he used to. He didn’t really care at this point. He sent in all his applications, and he was fairly confident he would get into one of his choice schools. They were all far away from here. Adam knew Declan was transferring to Stanford next year, so whatever this was, was almost at an end.

“Hey, what’s going on up there?” Declan asked thoughtfully, tapping Adam’s forehead.

“I was just thinking about how much Ronan loved the Barns.” Adam said honestly.

He then kissed Declan, to let Declan know he wasn’t trying to make Declan feel guilty for getting rid of Ronan’s favorite place.

*******

_‘Why are you here?’ Adam asked, pretending annoyance as he flopped down next to Ronan during a college recruitment seminar._

_‘Ms. White told me she’d wipe out a week’s worth of detention if I sat through this stupid fucking thing.’ Ronan complained._

_‘I mean I figured you weren’t here out of any academic interest, but why are you HERE?’_

_In one of Aglionby’s conference rooms there were twenty other juniors sitting around a conference table while various universities, most of the Ivy League sort, made pitches to the students. This was supposed to be the best and the brightest Aglionby had to offer. Why was tattooed, black clothes loving, Ronan Lynch sitting here with the likes of Adam Parrish and Tad Carruthers?_

_‘I guess I did OK on my SAT’s.’ Ronan whispered, embarrassed someone would find out he had taken the test._

_Adam was a little shocked Ronan had taken the test with him. He had known Ronan long enough by that point to know Ronan was not college bound. He had no interest in the structured learning of a classroom. He despised school, complained it was all just to teach us how to be good little civic minded androids instead of free-thinking humans. Adam didn’t necessarily disagree with Ronan, but Ronan’s ideas weren’t going to get Adam into Harvard._

_‘How’d you do?’ Adam asked, anxious to brag about his own score._

_Ronan wrote his score on a slip of paper, and slid it over to Adam. Adam scowled. Class skipper, homework ignorer, and general social menace, Ronan Lynch had gotten a better score than Adam. Adam correctly assumed Ronan had gotten a score than anyone in this room._

_‘Don’t tell anyone, you’ll ruin my street cred.’ Ronan smirked, eyes darting away from Adam._

_Ronan never stopped surprising Adam._

*******

The letters started rolling in. Harvard, yes. Yale, yes. Princeton, waitlisted. Brown, yes. Penn, yes. Stanford, yes. Northwestern, yes. Dartmouth, waitlisted. MIT, yes. Oxford, yes. Pepperdine, yes. Rutgers, yes. Adam was on such a roll with the applications that he applied to twenty different schools, and was at least waitlisted at all. He assumed his teachers who wrote recommendations probably added something about his personal tragedy, but he knew he did this on his own for the most part. In despite of everything, he had made it.

Adam briefly thought about Stanford, but immediately dismissed it. He knew his and Declan’s time was coming to an end. He was a little sad about it, but it felt right too. He didn’t love Declan, and Declan didn’t love him. They had just needed one another, neither really having anyone else. Declan was now Adam’s friend though, and he was excited to share his good news.

“That’s great Adam.” Declan exclaimed, kissing Adam’s cheek and hugging him after Adam shared his good fortune.

They had just eaten take out from a place Declan liked a few blocks away and were sitting on Declan’s couch, both enjoying a glass of wine. Adam still wasn’t much of a drinker, and hadn’t been drunk since Ronan’s funeral. Adam set in wine glass down and took Declan’s hand. Neither had felt the need to be intimate with the other for the past couple of months, which was fine. Adam just liked meeting Declan for coffee and talking to him on the phone, this physical thing they had was just a bit of cold comfort, something to do to while away the hours. Neither were in a place to where they wanted to start a relationship with a new person.

Declan rolled over so he was straddling Adam, being careful not to put all his weight on Adam, as he weighed quite a bit more. It was new to have Declan in this position, not that Adam complained.

“I want to go down on you.” Declan admitted, kissing along Adam’s jaw.

That surprised Adam. During their numerous sexual escapades over the months, aside from a few awkward and clumsy attempts of giving Adam a hand job, Declan was pretty hands off when it came to Adam’s cock. Adam honestly didn’t care. He found he liked giving head, and he liked Declan being inside of him. He liked it when Declan stroked him, but he didn’t need it. He had never even allowed himself the fantasy of Declan giving him a blowjob.

“You mean you want to blow me?” Adam teased, letting his honeyed accent come through.

“Whatever, yes. I want to.” Declan said, less sure of himself.

“Hey, I’m OK with whatever we do. I don’t want you to do this because you feel like you have to. I don’t want you do it because I’ve done it for you. I know it probably sounds weird to you, but I like doing it. I like hearing you grunt and moan while I’m sucking you off.” Adam explained, trying not to blush, trying to behave like an adult.

“I want to try it, with you.” Declan repeated, with more certainty in his voice.

“OK then.” Adam said, kissing Declan wetly before Declan unbuckled Adam’s belt, unbuttoned Adam’s jeans, and then pulled them down around Adam’s ankles.

It was awkward for Adam at first. Declan clearly had no idea what he was doing, and it was an uncomfortable thirty seconds until Declan figured out how to wrap his mouth around Adam, and to not use his teeth, and that he didn’t need to take in all of Adam for it to be good. Once Declan got into a rhythm, Adam started to grunt and moan, forcing himself not to rock his hips up, even though he wanted to.

And when Declan came up off him with a wet popping sound, Adam let loose a string of obscenities before Declan got back to it.

“Fuck, Declan…you are so good at this. So good.” Adam praised, rubbing his hands through Declan’s hair.

This seemed to have encouraged Declan because he started to take in more of Adam. This was Adam’s first blowjob, he had no idea it could feel this good. It was so much more than when it was just his or Declan’s hands. He was trying to make it last longer, but he thought Declan’s jaw was probably starting to get sore as this was Declan’s first time as well. Adam focused on the wet warmth of it, on Declan’s tongue swirling, and then it didn’t take long.

“Declan, hey…I’m going to come.” Adam panted.

And in the surprise move of the century, Declan didn’t let up. When Adam came it was into Declan’s mouth. Declan kept sucking though until Adam pushed him away. Declan then spit into Adam’s empty wine glass.

“Gross.” Adam laughed, pulling Declan up to kiss him.

“You don’t think it’s gross to kiss me…after.” Declan trailed off.

“Fuck no, I’m am so turned on right now.” Adam admitted.

Adam could feel Declan pressed against him.

“How do you feeling about fucking a soon-to-be Ivy Leaguer?” Adam asked Declan mischievously.

*******

_‘We could just make out some more.’ Ronan joked as he took Adam’s hand as they made their way back to the farmhouse the morning after Ronan’s birthday/Matthew’s going away party._

_‘We told Gansey we would try to get something out of Cabeswater.’ Adam chided, knocking his hip against Ronan, enjoying the feeling of Ronan’s soft hands laced with his own calloused ones._

_‘Yeah, but I’m starting to regret my decision to take things slow last night.’ Ronan admitted, cheeks flushed._

_‘Hey, that’s your fault. I was more than willing to give you a hand job at the very least.’ Adam smiled, teasing Ronan._

_Ronan stilled for just a moment. And then he brought Adam in to hug him, in a very un-Ronan-like gesture. Adam wasn’t used to this much physical contact. He enjoyed feeling Ronan this close to him, and he just wrapped his arms around Ronan, hugging him back. Ronan placed a light kiss on Adam’s neck._

_‘What was that for?’ Adam asked, a little shocked, but not unpleasantly so._

_‘I just never thought…’ Ronan started, trying to swallow the emotions playing across his face._

_‘Hey,’ Adam began, pulling back a little so he could look Ronan in the eyes. ‘I’m in this, with you. I don’t think I’ve wanted anything in my whole life as much as I want you.’_

_Ronan smiled, a true smile, before he set the mask back on._

_‘Well yeah, I’m fucking hot.’ Ronan trilled, grabbing Adam’s hand again, walking back toward the house in order to dream._

*******

Adam’s flight was leaving at ten that evening. He decided MIT was the place for him. He had taken an unpaid internship for the summer, close to the school, and it started three days after graduaction. He was trying to finish packing what he needed to. Movers were going to move everything else to the small house Adam was going to rent. He had no intention of ever coming back here. He had sold Monmouth to an incoming sophomore, the son of some tech billionaire.

Adam looked out and saw Henry’s Fisker pull into the lot. He thought it was strange, but opened the door when Henry came up to knock.

“Hi Ho, Parrish.” Henry said genially, noticing the boxes. “Leaving so soon?”

“Hey Henry. Umm, yeah. I got an internship in Cambridge before I start at MIT. I’m leaving tonight.” Adam explained.

“Small world. I am Harvard bound this fall.” Henry smiled.

“That’s great Henry.” Adam said, not sure what else to say.

“Adam, are we friends?” Henry asked seriously.

“No.” Adam responded honestly.

“Do you think we could be?”

“I dunno. I mean it’s not that I don’t like you, it’s just you were more into Gansey. You liked Gansey and Blue. Ronan and I weren’t really anything to you.”

“Well, considering you and Lynch spent most of your time making borderline racist jokes at my expense, it should be understandable why I wouldn’t have been more open to being friends.” Henry explained pointedly.

“Why now?”

“I’m my own man now. I have relinquished Litchfield to the next generation. It’s been a tough year.” Henry said, still awkwardly standing in the middle of the living area.

“It has been.” Adam agreed, taping another box.

“I just want to be able to talk about them. I haven’t had anyone. You at least had Declan.”

Adam froze.

“Blue told me before she left. She admitted she reacted badly. Are you two still seeing each other?”

“It’s not like that Henry. Declan and I aren’t together. We are having dinner tonight, and then he is going to California, and I am going to Massachusetts. I doubt we’ll ever see each other again.”

“Oh, I thought, well I don’t know what I thought.”

“It was just sex Henry. No need to get weird about it. I just needed someone, and he was there. We fucked, and talked about Ronan, and talked about Matthew. It’s what I needed to survive. And I did, and I will.” Adam explained calmly, wrapping dishes up in newspaper.

“Hey, I’m not one to judge. Declan is very hot in that politician sort of way. I was just misinformed. So, about that friendship?” Henry asked smiling.

Adam looked at the handsome Henry Chen, wearily.

“I suppose we could get lunch when you get to Cambridge.” Adam relented.

“Excellent. I’ll leave you to your packing.” Henry exclaimed.

*******

_‘What the fuck was that?’ Adam woke with equal parts euphoria and shame. For the past several weeks his dreams had been peppered with slightly pornographic images of Blue Sargent in various states of undress, draping herself over various familiar objects. She was doing this just for Adam, and Adam very much enjoyed this in his dreams, often waking up with uncomfortable hard-ons._

_This was completely different as he had woken to a sticky mess all over his sheets. He hadn’t had a wet dream since he was eleven or twelve._

_He was in St. Agnes, sitting in one of the pews. When he looked down he noticed it wasn’t Blue kneeling in front of him, but Ronan. Ronan was unzipping Adam’s jeans with his teeth, and dream Adam was rapidly panting, his lips felt swollen, and it felt like there were stubble burns across his cheeks. Had he been making out with Ronan. He was hard. He was hard in his dream, and it looked like Ronan was about to start blowing him. He felt a wave of lust sweep over him, he was half lucid. He could change the direction of the dream right now if he wanted to. But he didn’t as he watched Ronan take him in. It felt so real. It felt so good. And it wasn’t just good because he was getting a blowjob in a church. It felt good because Adam was staring into Ronan’s deep blue eyes, and Adam felt something other than just lust. He felt…he felt…he didn’t know, other than he never wanted Ronan to stop._

_Adam had studiously avoided Ronan for three days after that particular dream, and shoved the dream down to mingle with all of the other shit he didn’t want to deal with._

***

“Here.” Declan told Adam, tossing a letter on Adam’s lap.

It was 6:15 PM and they were naked in Declan’s bedroom. Adam told himself he wasn’t going to do this again, but they had, it was good, and now Adam was going to have to leave in an hour to get to the airport.

“What is this?” Adam asked as Declan pulled on a ridiculously expensive pair of briefs, and a white undershirt.

“It’s from Ronan.” Declan said, sitting on the bed, rubbing Adam’s bare back, as Adam dumbly stared at the letter.

“When is this from?”

“He mailed it to me the day before he died. He did that. Not obsessively, but he mailed me half a dozen letters addressed to you. I never read any of them. He just asked me not to give you this until you graduated from high school.”

“Oh.” Adam replied, still staring at the white envelope with Adam’s name on it, in Ronan’s handwriting.

“I wasn’t sure if you would want to read it here, or….” Declan trailed off.

“Here. Can I have a minute. I’m sorry, I feel weird kicking you out of your room.” Adam muttered.

“No, it’s fine. I’ll make us some coffee.” Declan said, kissing the top of Adam’s head before leaving.

Adam’s hands trembled as he opened the envelope.

**Adam –**

**It fucking sucks if you are reading this, I mean for me, because it means I didn’t get out of whatever shit we were in. I guess it is good for you because it meant you survived, are still surviving. And that means more to me than my own stupid pulse.**

**You just went into Declan’s room to sleep. I keep touching my lips. I feel fucking stupid for feeling this much, everything. You kissed me. I still don’t really get it. You kissed me and it seemed like you wanted to do more. And I wanted to, maybe if this had worked out I would have told you about all the fucked up, amazing things I wanted to do to you. But I’m dead, so there is no point. It wasn’t sex for me though Adam. I love you. I need for you to know that, because you sure as fuck don’t hear it enough. I love you so much, and I still love you wherever I shuffled off to.**

**I don’t know why I’m waiting so long for Declan to give this to you. I guess I didn’t want to dump this on you along with everything else. I want you to take that money I left you and get as far away from Henrietta as you can. I want you to have a full life, a happy life, even if it won’t be with me. Look at me being presumptuous, assuming you would have wanted to spend your life with me when you are going to go off to be some hot as fuck doctor or lawyer, while I was destined to be a fuck up.**

**I hope you haven’t been too big of a prick to Declan, and the other way around. I’m guessing if I’m gone, Matthew…well…I’m not going to think about that. Maybe you guys even became friends, that would be cool.**

**I really liked making you with you, maybe we’ll get to do it again, assuming we ended up in the same place.**

**Love,**

**Ronan**

Declan placed the cups of coffee on the nightstand, and pulled Adam into his arms. Adam screamed and wept almost like Blue had the day Gansey had died. All these months Adam had kept it together, but this, this letter, it was too much. When Declan tried to kiss Adam, Adam unfocused his eyes and tried to pretend it was Ronan, but he couldn’t do it. Not really. He broke away from Declan, climbed out of bed, and got dressed.

*******

_‘Adam?’_

_The way Ronan said it made Adam feel overwhelmed with a feeling he didn’t really understand. Was this love? Is this what it felt like? Was the way Ronan was looking at him, open and vulnerable love? Was it how Ronan held the baby mice, shook Matthew’s hand, dutifully sat in the passenger’s seat of the Pig love? Was love just what Ronan was? Adam was overcome. He didn’t have the words. He didn’t know how to express himself._

_Should he tell Ronan about how he had thought about him, and wanted him for months? Should he explain he wasn’t exactly sure what love felt like, but this could possibly be it? Were there words to express, to convey, everything in Adam’s heart right now? He felt so much of everything staring at Ronan._

_Ronan who was beautiful, brave, loyal, fierce, and magic. Adam still didn’t understand why Ronan felt what he did. Adam didn’t feel he was anything special, but the way Ronan looked at him, made him feel like he was worth more. Was that love? Was the way Ronan quietly courted him for months love? The small tokens of affection, the giving Adam things Adam wasn’t even aware he needed. Was that love?_

_Adam didn’t understand any of it, much less how to explain it. He just knew in that moment he always wanted Ronan. Ronan was everything to him.  
And then he was kissing him, in a way clear with intent._

*******

“So, this is goodbye.” Declan said awkwardly as they stood at Adam’s gate.

“Yeah.” Adam replied.

Declan moved forward, and then stepped back. Adam knew Declan wouldn’t try to kiss him here. Not in public, not with so many witnesses.

“You think we’ll see each other again?” Declan asked.

“Probably not.” Adam replied honestly.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be…be what he was.” Declan said truthfully.

Adam knew and understood. Declan wasn’t gay. Declan wasn’t bi. This was an anomaly, and Adam was OK with that. They had gotten what they needed. Adam didn’t want to be in a relationship with someone like Declan. And Adam wanted to be out now. He wanted to find a nice guy he could go out with. Maybe to even fall in love with some day. That day was far into the future, but Adam now felt like it might be a possibility. Declan was never a possibility. Declan was too close to Ronan. Even if Declan had been gay, it never would have worked in the long term.

“Declan, you know what this was. And I think we both know it never would have worked. If it had, I think we would have been too fucked up to have survived this long. Thank you though. For everything. I mean that.” Adam offered.

“I wish you the best Adam Parrish. I can see what my brother saw in you. I hope you have a good life.” Declan said, offering his hand to Adam to shake.

Adam took Declan’s hand and shook it. It felt warm and comforting, but there was no spark. There was none of the tingling electricity of when he and Ronan would casually touch.

“You too. I hope you find whatever it is you are looking for.” Adam replied.

“Please don’t forget about him.” Declan said quietly before turning and leaving.

Adam didn’t think anyone forgot about their first love, especially when it was someone as all-encompassing as Ronan Lynch.

Adam got on his plane to Cambridge, and never stepped foot in Virginia again.

**Author's Note:**

> Seriously, I have fifteen thousand words in on this bright, fluffy, happy, set in the 90's AU Pynch love fest. I'm cruising along, with all the mushy love, and then this thing started rattling around in my brain. I had just read an excellent story where Adam and Ronan didn't end up together. And once the thought wormed it's way in, I couldn't stop thinking about it. So I hurriedly scratched this out over the past couple of days so I could get back to the fluff with a clear head.
> 
> I've also kinda recently fallen in love with Declan, and am kind of bummed there aren't more stories with him. We should change that!
> 
> I am not really this dark of a person. I don't know why I keep posting all of this depressing stuff. And sadly, this isn't nearly as depressing as my first story. At least Ronan is wearing tennis shorts in this one.


End file.
